Clerks: My Huge Disappointment

Oh Kevin Smith... I am so disappointed. Someone please tell me what I'm missing. The whole world loved this movie. How come I hated it so much?

I was late to discover Kevin Smith movies. Unlike everyone else in my generation, I had never seen Clerks or Mallrats or Chasing Amy. I finally saw Dogma a bunch of years ago, my first Kevin Smith movie, and the first time I saw it I hated it. I physically hated it. It made me angry. Then I thought about it for a few days, couldn't get it out of my head, thought maybe I should watch it again, and now, it's in a tie with The Princess Bride for my favorite movie of all time. I can watch Dogma any time, any place. I can watch it, rewind it, and watch it again. I love that movie. Not only does it have great dialogue and a truly interesting take on religion, it also has Jay and Silent Bob. I love Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back was on TV I just had to watch it, seeing as how much I loved them in Dogma. Strikes Back didn't disappoint. Jay and Bob were awesome and Jason Lee, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, who were all in Dogma, were also in Strikes Back. Cool. So when I saw the commercials for Clerks 2, I immediately wanted see it. But first, I figured, I should see the original Clerks. Being ever the optimist, I bought it instead of renting it. Heck, it has to be as good as the other two Kevin Smith movies I've seen, I'm sure I'll love it. Oooohhhh how wrong I was. How dreadfully wrong.

Luke and I were so excited to see it, I brought it home on Friday - the 10th anniversary, 3-disc edition. We finally got the chance to play it on Saturday and sitting through it was like running at top speed into a concrete wall.

First off, it's black and white. Why? Maybe it was to show the drab life of a convenience store clerk, maybe it was the low film budget. Either way, it was hard to look at. It's impossible to see depth in a black and white movie and it gave me a headache. I did like the Dante and Randall characters, they were realistic and I actually went to high school with two guys just like them, one actually named Randall, but the other characters were just bizarre and flat and unrealistic. The barking Chewlies gum guy, the whiney girlfriend, the annoying guy who dies in the bathroom, the guidance counselor examining the eggs - come on now! I worked retail for many, many years and saw more than my share of odd characters. I'm sure that Kevin Smith did, too. And maybe there really was a guidance counselor looking for the perfect dozen eggs, but I just didn't buy it. It was too over the top and just odd for the sake of being odd. He could have thrown in an alien or a talking dog and gotten the same benefit from it.

I watched the whole thing cringing. Luke kept shooting me the "are you kidding me?" looks. I just wanted it to end but I wanted it to keep going because I knew it had to get better.

I even read Roger Ebert's review on the movie because I love him and I trust his judgment. He loved the movie. Gave it a thumbs up. I don't get it! The reasons he loved it are the reasons I hated it. I'm sorry Kevin Smith. I wanted to love your movies unconditionally, but that one was a big stinker. Glutton for punishment I am, I still think I'll see Clerks 2. Everyone needs a second chance.