To everyone who read that quote back in 1994 when I graduated, and even those reading it now, I must have seemed like someone who wanted to say something profound about fashion. Or to look cool quoting Jane’s Addiction. Not so. To me, this quote is so plain and so true. It’s a quote about fitting in. And I still feel like I don’t fit in anywhere I go.
I wish I knew everyone’s nickname, all their slang and all their sayings. Some days I wish I didn’t have the ability speak at all because everything I say seems to come out wrong. People are mad at me, I say stupid things, I can’t express myself. I just can’t fit in. I feel like this every time I’m at a party. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t know how to interact. I hate small talk. I’m sarcastic, but apparently I look very unsarcastic and when I break out the wit it horrifies people. They don’t get that I’m being funny and there are painful eternities of awkward silence. Sadly, sarcasm is how I deal with feeling awkward, so I whip out some more and it all just gets worse. Just cut out my tongue.
Every way to show affection, how to dress to fit the occasion. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve leaned in toward someone when greeting them, and I think we’re hugging, but really we’re supposed to… what? Kiss? But I barely know you! I’ve gotten dozens of smeared lips across my cheek as I go for the hug and they’re aiming for the kiss. OK, if we’re supposed to kiss, can we do it on the cheek? I’m not too keen on the mouth-kissing. I’m with Julia Roberts on that one. A little too intimate for some guy I see once a year. Who do you think you are, expecting a kiss from someone you barely know? You’re not Santa Claus, I’m not going to sit on your lap. Why would I kiss you? How about a hug instead? It’s so uncomfortable. It makes me feel miserable. My inner eight-year old flinches and squeals “eeew gross”. It makes me feel like the crazy one, but shouldn’t they be the one feeling bad? They of the casual lip-lock?
Everyone feels a little lost in high school but I thought I might get over this some day. Let’s see, mmm… twelve years later. Nope. I guess not.
This past weekend I spent Saturday and Sunday partying with friends and non-friends. The non-friend parties just plain wore me out. Friends of friends are the ones who exhaust me and send me to the ladies’ room, just so I can be alone for a minute. I sit in the quiet of my small porcelain sanctuary, head in my hands while saying to myself, “I wish I knew everyone’s nickname, all their slang and all their sayings…”
This is why I like blogging. It makes me feel like part of the world, yet I don’t have to actually talk to anyone! I can be incredibly social, posting every day, writing all about myself, bla, bla, bla, me, me, me. But I can do it in a gloriously antisocial way. All alone in my office, mouth shut, no talking, no greeting people, no dodging of the lip-smackers. Aah, blissful antisocial blogging. It’s heaven.
7 comments:
I don't know. You seem pretty social to me! I know what you mean about the kissing/hugging/what have you. I am much more physically affectionate with certain groups of friends - especially among the theater crowd - than I am with some of my very best friends. For example, Heather and I rarely hug, but I'd trust her with my life.
My high school quote was "Sometimes a rainbow is better than a pot of gold" from the song Cry Tough by Poison. Very predictable, and very me. I think I was being quite profound, but I still believe it's true.
I really feel the same way. I'm great with people I do know, but horribly awkward and uncomfortable with others. Worse, I'm hyper-aware of how much I stand out. So few people understand just how exhausting it can be to feel awkward and alone. OH, and the greeting/parting gestures. I actually dread leaving places because I hate the whole hug thing. I'm known for making for the door at family parties, waving in a friendly-yet-suitably-distanced manner. However, I can also be very affectionate. Mostly again it's the awkwardness thing. In my head, no one wants to touch me, so if I go to hug them, they'll push me away and say "Ew, gross!" or roll their eyes.
My HS quote was "Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us" from "The End of the Innocence by Don Henley.
(PS: You were so pretty!)
WERE? I WERE so pretty? So now what? I'm a haggard old lady??
um...I think you're delightful. And the only awkward thing about any of that is the cheerleading. Which I promise not to hold against you. Just kidding - MWAH!
PS: My quote was "Ramble on" by Led Zeppelin, because I went through a "I should have been born in a different decade" period.
Well, that was certainly amusing :-) I can relate to most of it. And now I'm killing myself trying to remember my quote in my year book. How sad is it that it was SO long ago I can't remember? But some how I'm pretty darn sure it was from Sting!!
And you still ARE very pretty!
Lisa don't put words in my mouth! Hmph. You still ARE pretty, but you also don't have the misfortune of an awkward high school yearbook picture. Unlike, say, me.
Hee hee, I can turn any compliment into something bad! Thanks Flann. Want to know a secret? In that picture I'm wearing a red mini dress tucked into a pair of men's button-fly jean shorts with rolled legs. I swear. That's way worse than the cheerleading.
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